Now Hiring: Spokesperson (Must be Squeaky Clean)

This afternoon I went to my local coffeehouse for a round of Scrabble with Nut Bar (which I lost by the way, despite playing two bingos), and post-game I was all caffeine-buzzed and looking for something substantial to absorb all of the coffee in my stomach. Then I remembered the Subway right across the street.

And what's more substantial than a Subway? I tell ya, those Subway folks were geniuses when they revamped their menu with the $5 footlongs (Sing along in your head with me: Five. Five. Five Dollar Foot Longs!). I saddled up to the counter, ordered my Black Forest Ham/Turkey Breast with the works and hiked up 44th Street.

So I get home and what do I discover--buzz on the Internet of the impending dumping of Phelps from his recent endorsement deal from Subway. As featured on gawker.com, Phelps' name and image was listed on Subway's web site (as a "Fresh Celebrity", whatever that means), but now if you go to Subway's site, you'll see that only Ryan Howard and Reggie Bush (along with Subway's own Jared) are listed as celebrities. Curiously enough, this site does encourage you to "spread the buzz"--apparently as long as that buzz doesn't involve a doobie.

So I'm now retracting what I just said about Subway and declaring them idiots. Really, talk about much ado about nothing. Has the world forgotten how old (or maybe I should say how young) Michael Phelps is? He's 23, at an age where if he wasn't swimming and collecting gold medals, he'd be doing bongs in the basement of his fraternity house just like every other red-blooded, American guy.

I'll go on the record to tell you I don't smoke pot. Never did. But--America, I hate to break it to you, I'm the exception to this rule, and here's a news flash: most college-aged kids smoke dope. And--double yoi--many people continue to do so past their twenties. They don't go from being pot smokers to mainlining heroin: they hold down jobs, are good parents, and lead normal, respectable lives.

But what Phelps is going to have to do what Kate Moss did, who lost her endorsement deals when a picture of her snorting coke appeared in the tabloids. She publicly apologized and went to rehab. Then, quietly, many of the companies that endorsed her (H&M, Burberry, etc.) picked up her contract again.

Was Kate Moss addicted to coke? Maybe, maybe not. Is Phelps a drug addict? I seriously doubt it. However, like Moss, the only road to redemption I see for Phelps is a public apology and a stint in rehab. Might I recommend Passages in Malibu? It's set above the crashing waves of the Pacific, and in between therapy sessions, you can enjoy all sorts of amenities, including gourmet food. And I bet that menu doesn't feature a single $5 foot long.