Thursday, April 29, 2010

What...A Brat

In 1992, Saturday Night Live featured a "Wayne's World" sketch comparing the Gore daughters (schwing!) to Chelsea Clinton ("not a fox").

It was reported that the Clinton's, particularly Hillary Clinton, was furious with SNL for what she considered to be "cruel and disrespectful" remarks towards her daughter (interestingly not a peep, though, from the Gore camp about "Wayne" saying their daughters were babes). The comments made in the sketch? Essentially that Chelsea was not an attractive girl. I'll let you be the judge.

Fast forward nearly twenty years, and little Chelsea is all grown up and engaged to be married this year. In what has to be the definition of irony, the now-swan Chelsea had a request of her father: lose weight.

I wouldn't have believed this story unless I had seen multiple articles reporting that Clinton relayed this story at a fiscal summit in DC. Not only did Chelsea basically call her Dad a pork-o, she demanded he lose 15 pounds. Or else what? He not walk her down the aisle? He not have the privilege of paying for the whole bloody wedding?

It's no secret that Bill Clinton has had an issue with poor diet and a struggle with weight. But his 2004 heart surgery appeared, at least to me, to put him on a good path. He lost a tremendous amount of weight and reported following a more healthy diet and exercise plan. Looking at recent pictures of him, it would be hard to categorize him as overweight.

If I were Bill Clinton, I'd tell Chelsea to go eff herself, drive myself to the nearest Burger King, and order a Triple Whopper Sandwich with Cheese and Mayo, named by Men's Health Magazine as the worst fast food burger out there. Bon Appetit!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Good Manners Never Gave Me Eight Million Dollars

Sunday is my favorite day of the week: a luxurious and lazy several hours sipping coffee, reading the paper, and doing the crossword puzzles. But alas, my respite was interrupted by my blood boiling after reading the profile piece on the Development Director over at the Pittsburgh Opera, John Federico. Federico, who, given his work history at many prestigious nonprofit's, clearly knows how fundraising works.

Which makes it all the more infuriating when he glibly distilled successful fundraising into one completely ludicrous soundbyte:

"...he believes his job really comes down to this: Say please and thank you [emphasis added]. At least that's what he tells aspiring young interns.

'If you're going to be a fundraiser and if your parents raised you right, you really should know the most important things to say by the time you're 5. If you can do those things, the rest is all polish.'"

Really, John, really? Successful fundraising comes down simply to having good manners?

If the absolute key to fundraising could be found in something so simple, every nonprofit in town would have pots overflowing with money. Hell, my parents raised me pretty well, and I am the champion thank you note writer, but somehow that prevented the nonprofit I started from swimming in money.

Mr. Federico and I both know that the secret to fundraising is not good manners. While Elsie Hillman might certainly appreciate a heartfelt thank you directed her way, that, my friend, will take you only so far. Successful fundraising relies many different things. If I had to choose one thing that will get you to the front of the proverbial pack, it's connections. No, make that relevant connections.

Connections and relationships are the key to fundraising. You need a board of directors, preferably ones with deep pockets, who know people who are connected and/or have deep pockets, who are articulate and enthusiastic and energetic who will sell, sell, sell your organization at every opportunity to anyone and everyone who could possibly get you money, positive exposure, or both.

You need to be a nonprofit that not only has a good reputation in the market, but one with a demonstrated track record amongst funders. It's like getting your first job: employers want experience, but to get experience you need to get a job. Getting that first grant is tough (from someone who started a nonprofit you'll have to trust me on this one), and it certainly helps to have a connected BOD or Executive Director, or--even better--someone you know at the philanthropic organization that's doling out the money.

Once you get connections, you have to constantly cultivate that relationship. Put them on your mailing list, invite them to events, take them out to lunch to get their thoughts about the organization, and make them feel like (I hate this word, but here it's applicable) a stakeholder. In short, make them feel included, and it's constant and ongoing, and way, way beyond a simple "please" and "thank you".

These days, it's increasingly difficult to get money, as even Federico admits. I give myself only a "C", because it's not my forte and success fundraising is really an art, based on a perfect storm of a lot of different factors. Maybe Federico's comments were meant to be self-effacing, but he knows as well as I do that a simple please and thank you alone aren't going to do it.