Inn Trouble: They Gave Me Their Two Cents

About three years ago, I decided to add a third room to the bed & breakfast's offerings, so guests could rent the entire second and third floors.  I charged what I thought was a lot of money, so when an attorney contacted me about renting the two floors for nearly a week, I thought I'd hit the jackpot.

The attorney was from the west coast and was coming with his business partner to launch a new product at a trade show.  He said he looked forward to his visit to Pittsburgh, and surprised me when he said that the third sleeping room was actually for his parents, who lived about a day's drive away.

He seemed, as my Mother would say, "a nice young man."  His parents were due to arrive first, and at first blush they seemed like a spirited couple, full of piss and vinegar. It was then I began to notice that the wife started talking in stage whispers whenever she had something she felt was daring/risque/conspiratorial. 

You're in deep doo-doo if you don't get me more TP!

Then I found out that they had considered starting a bed & breakfast.  They owned a big house, kind of like mine ("Ours is much nicer than yours, dear," Wifey whispered), nestled in a private forest, away from civilization in what sounded like a picturesque setting. 

Their son and his business partner was due to arrive at the airport at 11, which was my usual cut off time for check in, but since they were throwing a lot of money my way, I figured I'd make an exception and stay up for them.

That was a mistake.  Midnight came and went, as did 1 a.m.  At about 1:30, I got a call from a giddy/giggly/possibly drunk Lawyer Man.  It seemed he and the business partner forgot the directions I gave them ahead of time, didn't bother to ask the car rental people for a map, had no GPS in their car, and now they were lost.  Wasn't that hysterical?!

I tried to figure out where they were, and Lawyer Man's business partner was heard in the background shouting out random "landmarks", which Lawyer Man gleefully passed along.  "Ooh, we're at a traffic light!"  Me:  "Do you see a street sign, or any businesses?"  Background bellowing:  "Tell her there's an Exxon station here!  And a car wash!".

It being now nearly 2 in the morning, I could only generally tell them how to get here, since they could give me no idea of where they were.  I suggested finding a gas station that was open and get directions to Children's Hospital and call me for specific directions from Children's.

Of course, navigating them the two blocks or so from Children's to my place was another ordeal.  Seems both parties in the car couldn't remember their left from their right.  Wasn't was SO FUNNY!!

In the middle of all this Ma and Pa Kettle are tromping down the stairs, demanding updates.  When I semi-glumly told them about their getting lost, they exchanged knowing looks and chuckles.  Apparently this kind of thing happened on a regular basis.

They arrived at nearly 3 in the morning seemingly none the worse for wear.  The next day the real fun began:  Lawyer Man thought I was his personal assistant/trade show coordinator/logistics manager.  Since they had no GPS or no maps, they needed directions.  To everywhere.  Multiple times, because they kept losing the directions I printed out for them. And when they changed their plans, which was frequently, they needed more sets of directions.  Which they promptly lost.

I needed to help them find a place to buy a carpet remnant for their trade show booth, a dry cleaners with same day service (Lawyer Man brought no clean dress shirts, apparently), to different museums.  Could I call this place and make dinner reservations?  Could I email this place and ask them about something? 

Then there were conversations like this.  Usually at night, like at 9 or 10.

Ma:  "How old are your smoke detectors?"
Me:  "I don't know, a few years old."
Ma:  "They look old.  Do they work?"
Me:  "Um, yes - we can use the button to test it."
Ma:  "Oh, no, that's too much trouble.  Are you sure they're OK?  I don't know if (her husband) will be able to sleep, this could be a real fire hazard!"
Me:  "I can get new batteries, if that would make you feel better."
Ma:  "Well, putting new batteries in an OLD detector wouldn't do much good."
Me:  "I'll go get new detectors."
Ma:  "Well, if you feel that's best, dear."

My favorites are at 9 in the morning, when I have my 10 minutes in the bathroom each day.

Pounding on the bathroom door.  "Julie?  Julie!  JULIE!!"
Me coming out, after getting out of the shower and putting on clothes.
"Oh, I didn't realize you were in the SHOWER.  I guess it can wait."

Their advice was invaluable:

"Do you know your butterfly bush is SERIOUSLY OVERGROWN?  Do you have hedge clippers?  Let's trim that RIGHT NOW."

"Did you know that you are running SERIOUSLY LOW on several things? I've made a list for you to take to the store with you:  toilet paper, napkins, coffee, um, what?  You keep that in storage.  Well, I didn't know that, dear."

"You know, with a little bit of cleaning and some paint, this could be a really nice place!"

And did I mention the Lawyer Man was here with his business partner to launch a new invention?  I'm not going to say that the premise was ridiculous or that their presentation was cheesy or they were selling snake oil.  All I will say is that it's entirely possible they were inspired by the Solarman 2000 contraption shilled by Ed Begley, Jr. in the mockumentary "Pittsburgh."

So the week finally came to a close, and ordinarily I don't expect or want a tip.  But with all the running around and extra things I did for them and the aggravation they caused me, I thought they might be obliged to cough up a little extra.  So I left tip envelopes in all of the rooms.

So what did they leave me?  A few pennies on one of the nightstands.  Good thing they were long gone, because I have a pretty good throwing arm.